DETAILS, DETAILS
UPDATE: Currently having a life crisis. But no worries, because tetris cures everything. MATERIAL POSSESSIONS AREN'T IMPORTANT TO ME, ALL THAT MATTERS IS TETRIS.
PRACTISE SAFE SEX.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Fear of family: famaphobia.
I have that.
My aunt and I walked home all the way from Lakeside to Clementi. On the way home, besides hovering on the brink of crippling, I also had an increasing...developing...distinct, revelation I guess would be the word, that I really cannot deal with some human emotions. For now I can only name love and sympathy. I can handle hatred. Hatred's like a beast, a chimera ignited in the mind. You know what to do. You have to kill the beast. Love to me's like a newborn baby. Can you picture the bundle of joy? Can you see the bliss and feel the instinct to treasure this baby? I can't. I can't see past the red, screwed-up face. I won't know what to do with it. Does it want milk? Is it sick? Should I change the diapers? It's, it's such a complex emotion, love.
More specifically I'm afraid of family love. Some say friends are your chosen family but I beg to differ. Friends can never impress upon me the same effect as family. Unless, you know, some unfortunate incidences turned a friend into my family. I say I'm afraid of family love not because I'm scarred by a broken family (raging alcoholic dad, parents on edge of divorce, abusive parents etc.) but because I simply cannot acquire it. I repel it. I don't want it. My aunt was talking to me during the whole trip-on-foot. She said typical family things like 'will always be there for you', 'if you have any trouble you know you can always find me', 'stop worrying so much and just be happy everyday', 'you've got to take care of your body', 'don't hu2si1luan4xiang3' etc. Her arm was latched on mine the whole time. Everything she said made me feel so uncomfortable and ill. It's not just that it's cheesey (and I already can't handle cheesey stuff), it's, I don't know, it's more than that. I feel constricted by that arm latched onto mine and those kindly words. You can't say I'm ungrateful, what the heck, or maybe you can because I don't care. But my point is that this is a phobia! That whole trip home I felt trapped on a hamster wheel, waiting and waiting for it to end. All that care and concern being willingly offered to me in abundance, I view them as daggers. It's not my fault. I want to be grateful too.
Conclusion: I'm hoping I don't have to marry, so I can never have another family. I'll get a cat. She'll be my partner. We'll fuss over each vibrissa and little paw together.
Monday, December 12, 2011