Saturday, July 16, 2011
I've lost every last fragment of my humour. Actually humour shouldn't be described in fragments because it is connotative of fragility and humour isn’t fragile. It's like chocolate that can be passed around and cheer up the disconsolate. It should be described in chunks. And I don't even know why I lost it! I mean if I know why then I can get it back right. I need to see a shrink. 1) Lost my humour 2) occasionally thinks in third person perspective (she’s hungry, she needs to eat) 3) contemplated suicide in sec1 SEC 1 can you believe it; already want to die after 13 years. I think it was because I couldn’t adapt to the sudden change from primary to secondary school, and I was callow to say the least 4) a lot of people told me I think weird. I think I lost the humour part due to shock, which then triggered some psychological mutilation. On a brighter note I lost 2kg (in 2 two days, wtf I didn’t know it was physically possible) along with the humour. Maybe that’s the mass of it. 2kg. And I think the thinking in third person perspective is because I'm lonely sometimes. And I think I'm always adding 'I think' in front of all my statements because I'm unsure of them. Omg I need to stop analysing. My mind is forever analysing, forever forming conclusions. I analyse what I say, what other people say, why did someone do this, why did I do this, was I thinking at that time and blah blah a lot more. It’s not like I’m judging you, it’s just, I have nothing to do! It's driving me crazy. But I never take action based on my analysing results when I know I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it not because I really wanted to figure out something. I analyse a lot when I’m upset. Like when the Ph.D holder scolds me I’ll start analysing every single minute detail that my eyes take in so the voice in my head can block out her voice. Something like, hmm there’s a slight stain on her top, must be from the curry dinner just now. How to wash off? Curry seems so difficult to wash off. My mind is so defensive, it tries to block out everything it hates, even my own thoughts sometimes. Why did I talk about analysing, I was supposed to talk about the humour thing. I can’t express how upset I am. Yesterday in class I was doing the Econs essay for my group. Ms Tang walked in for the GC lesson and I stood up for the greeting exchange and I turned around and saw the class laughing happily. Then I felt a huge wave of misery and excused myself to the washroom. I hate crying in front of other people. Who wants to. It ruins your makeup and your vision blurs up and when the tears get in your mouth you can taste your own distress. I rushed in the disabled (disabled mentally) washroom and wept and wept. And embarrassingly enough I didn’t lock the door properly. I thought I did. The cleaning auntie came in and saw me and there was a flurried exchange of apologies before I closed the door again. Damn it. I stayed there the whole time. With 20 minutes to end of lesson I freshened up at the sink (my eyes looked like those of a drug addict) and tried to amuse myself by twisting my hair into a turban shape. Bunkus. It’s really easy you just have to gather all your hair into a ponytail and bring the gathered part to the front, near your forehead. Then you twist it and tuck it under and pin it in place. The whole time in the washroom I had the line from the song Garden of Exile by Toby Martin in my head. I’m only half here, I’m only half here. All the ridiculous stuff Belvia can conjure up weren’t as funny as before. I cried because I thought I can never laugh properly with all the people who matter to me again. At the morning table I did laugh a little yes but still I thought things weren’t as funny as before. I think the most important things in life are humour and humanity and happiness, equally important (followed immediately by beauty and charm, because I’m superficial).
I’m not talking to vegan anymoer. It’s too awkward. It’ll just turn into a staring competition because I have nothing to say. When I see his face, there’s not a thing that I can say, and it’s confusing, whatever I can’t rhyme it anymore. Ah siao (Belvia) said he’s angry at me because I said wanted to slap him. Obviouslt I was so cross he didn’t make things clear in the first place and I misunderstood but not anymore. None of anything anymore, because ah siao told me he misunderstood her question too. But (effing hell my sister just approached me and I closed this page in panic. My family will never be in my life properly no way because I’m about as active as fungus in my family) I forgot what I wanted to say wth. Oh, but I still can’t think of what to say. He’s angry at me and I have to apologise. Actually since I was nine I’ve already made up my mind that if I ever have friendship/relationship conflicts/problems I’ll be the one to apologise first regardless of whether I’m right or wrong. And I remember feeling so pleased with myself because apologizing first seems a marvelous idea. Any friction will be smoothed, all the other party has to do is accept my apology and everything will fall into place again. And so I planned the whole apology thing on my way home. The next day I will reach school early and drag him up to the rooftop(behind the choir store. I think that place is wonderful! Even though it's still a part of NJ, but it's like a separate, like, unaffected part. Like any phobia will be cured there any mood can be lifted there any problem can be resolved there. I must visit it often.) and apologise properly for not talking (cos that time I didn’t know he was angry at me yet) and I was supposed to hold his hand throughout the apology because, wait this sentence is too long. In p1 or p2 I read a story about two kittykats and their names were in Chinese so I forgot them already. Chinese is so forgettable. Anyway they were really close to each other or something and one day because of some fish they quarreled really badly. And so they went their own ways. Kittykat1 really wanted to everything to resume so it (forgot he or she. When their names are in Chinese you can’t really tell, like the two China pandas; pingping anan or something) went to seek advice from the Wise Woman of the Forest, who told it to find its own solution since it’s its own problem so it has to solve it itself. (why is the story so, practical? China people are like this, each man for himself. The kittykat travelled such a long distance why couldn’t this fairy woman thing just advise it?). And so it did and even though the story didn’t mention it but the illustration showed kittykat1 holding kittykat2’s hand when it was apologising and, I don’t know, the idea got stuck with me. Obviously it’s only for proper apologies, not like when you bump into a stranger by accident and you grab his hand and say sorry because that’d be queer. In Asia. He’d sue you probably, for physical misconduct. The last page was a picture of the 2 kittykats hugging, for a really long time, according to the book. And because of that I’ve stuck with the notion that the best way to apologise is by holding hands and hugging. I think there’re so many unsaid things you can put into a hug. But I’ve never done either one before because I’m like damn passive, any conflict and I will give in first because I hate conflicts so I’ve never really had to do any major apologies (except in sec1 with xuyue but I refused to do it). Oh wait I’ve done the holding hand thing in p4, omg embarrassing ttm. But oh well the next morning when I came to school MQ forgot to withdraw money from the ATM to lend him so I power-walked with him to the nearest petrol kiosk. When we went back to NJ I wanted to die from overheating. Who has the mood to apologise anymore right. Each man for himself I must save my own life first by cooling down. And then the idea just died on me la. The moment was gone. You know the Today Is The Day song by Tim Myers? Today is the day. I only know that line.
I’m still very senseless. Can’t laugh and can’t find things as funny as before and can’t find funny things to say.
Can’t talk anymore. I wanted to write all the above out because I don’t want anyone to see it especially vagan himself but no one reads my blog anymore so it’s safe I guess. Oh and plus he doesn't know the url. But still there's something satisfying about seeing such a long blog entry. And I don’t want my hand to dislocate. I’m more of a typing person I guess. I write so slowly that in the process of writing I can forget what I want to say. Why do all my statements have so many ‘I’s. I must be a really self-centered person.
I re-read this post and I think it's at best pretentious and at worst insignificant. Is it because we can never really express ourselves properly when the feeling is too..complex? I think people who can express themselves fully are so amazing. Thoughts to words, visionary to concrete, is such a wondrous process. The human language is so amazing, fascinating, overwhelming, after countless remarkable evolutions. Each language is so very unique. But I think the common language really is humanity, the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.
Saturday, July 16, 2011